Friday 30 June 2017

Grief is a Bear...

... Seriously, just go with me on this.

Since October 18, 2015 when my entire world came down around my ears I have felt like there is a rather large, deeply formidable and scary bear following me around. This bear is my grief and it is monstrous. 

It's been a bit of a shitty week. The ongoing fallout from me bolloxing my beloved car... The running of three Slimming World groups wearing me out ... And then to top it all off, a bastard cold virus. My upper lip is 86.4% cold sore which has led to many questions from the children at school about "that thing" on my face. Some were slightly more diplomatic... "Have you had a nose bleed?" asked one girl, her head tilted to one side in concern. No, no I haven't. I'm just burnt out and my body is letting me know how deeply unimpressed it is with me by giving me a scabby lip! 

All of these niggles and annoyances added up until I found myself weeping under a tree in the park earlier this evening. I realise how terribly Jane Austen that sounds but trust me it wasn't. Lizzie Bennett wouldn't have been honking her bogeys in to a scrunched up bit of kitchen roll that still had traces of cake crumbs in it now, would she?

So why the tears? I miss my dad. A simple sentence just four words in length but it means everything. I changed that day. It is my humble opinion that the two things that change you most in life are becoming a parent and losing a parent. In a way, I know I am lucky that I experienced the former then the latter meaning that my dad did indeed get to meet both of my children but he's not here now and he will not see them grow. 

Welcoming Eva in to the world back in December 2008 rewired me at my very core and changed my understanding about what it means to love someone. Losing my dad in October 2015, changed my programming again. Now I had to try and process the notion that the world would indeed keep spinning even without Steven Reeve on it. 

In the (almost) thirty four years of my life prior to my father's untimely departure, I would have been described by anyone who knew me well as an "emotional" person. I cried. A lot. At the drop of a hat in fact. Anything could set me off! A film, a song, a TV advert, books, the weather, an insult... Kati Reeve LOVED nothing more than a proper, good snotty weep! 

And then Dad died and everything changed. I remember crying and wailing uncontrollably in the moments after my sister broke the news to me but in the days that followed... Nothing. I felt like I should be crying but I just couldn't. I cried at the funeral... I also laughed a lot too but that's another story. 

Now there are things that I want to cry over and times that I feel moved to tears. I want to express those feelings and the little bastards just won't come. My job can be very emotional at times. Members are astonishingly brave and open in group about their struggles with their weight, how being overweight has made them feel... We run competitions throughout the year and the nominees will pour their hearts out! I feel deeply moved, I want to cry so they know that their story has touched me and nothing comes. And then I'll bawl twelve hours later over something completely innocuous! 

Again, I find myself pondering what the point of my post is. If I'm just saying "Grief is rubbish" ... Well we can file that one firmly under "No shit!" can't we?! I think I just needed to clear my head and this seems to be as good a way as any to do that. 

As ever, I hope that something in my ramblings will resonate with someone who reads it. A few folks close to me have queried why it is that I need to put my most intimate thoughts and feelings out in to the world. Why not just write it as a Word document and save it...? I wish I had a good answer but the best one I can give is that I hope it helps someone. I've taken real comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in sometimes finding motherhood an (almost!) impossible struggle and I am so grateful to bloggers like Hurrah for Gin's Katie and Sarah, The Unmumsy Mum... Not forgetting the lovely Giovanna Fletcher. So maybe reading this will comfort someone... Maybe they too have a Grief Bear following them around threatening to swallow them whole. Maybe their grief is a different beast altogether but they'll identify with my broken emotions and tear ducts not working and performing when I want and need them too! Who knows?! The other explanation for the blogging is of course coz I like attention but again, that's another entry for another day. 

Until next time, kids... 

Sunday 18 June 2017

How Fascinating!

I haven't even got a title for this post as I sit down to write it. I've found so far (in my lengthy blogging 'career') that I tend to start with a snappy title and go from there but today I'm not even sure what the purpose of the post is... Actually, that's not strictly true. I'm hoping that a stint at my laptop will help to clear my cluttered mind and I also know full well I'm avoiding doing actual work. Oh yes, I put the 'pro' in procrastination.

I've been up since 6ish this morning. This is fairly standard. I normally get my one lie in of the week on a Sunday morning but today is Father's Day so Pete is still snoring away upstairs while I man the children. My last post was written on a Sunday morning too and I was all at peace with the world because all my group admin and support was done and for a brief moment I actually felt in control of my work load. Not so this morning! For the past three weeks and for nine more to come, I'm covering a third Slimming World group. This means I'm now running eight sessions a week on three consecutive days. I am just about keeping my head above water but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard going. Hats off to the consultants - and I know some myself - who run more than that! I salute you. I can only imagine that you must be hyper organised... and possibly a robot. Not to say that I'm not enjoying the Wednesday group, I certainly am but keeping on top of the food diaries and admin for around three hundred members is no (fully Food Optimised) picnic.

My problem (or one of them!) is my inability to either just crack on and get stuff done OR decide firmly to leave the jobs for today and just relax. Relaxing does NOT come easily to me. It occurred to me this morning that in the time I'd been up I'd achieved very little but I also hadn't just sat down and chilled out. When I feel overwhelmed by tasks and To Do lists I twiddle and faff, half doing jobs and getting increasingly frustrated with myself. I'm not really doing anything but I'm also not doing nothing.

One of the amazing trainers at Slimming World HQ (aka The Sparkly Castle) always encourages us to be "fascinated" by our own behaviour especially the not so good stuff. Rather than getting annoyed at yourself for your inability to just complete one effing task, you try and take a step back so you can examine your behaviours or your motivation for the choices you made and learn from it... In short, rather than calling myself a "div" or a "useless twat" as I often do, what I should do is say "Hmm... How fascinating!" Ideally one would learn something from this self examination and thus make a different, more positive choice next time.

Have I learned anything from this morning's events? Other than that blogging is a nifty way to feel like I'm doing something when I'm really not?! Yes actually I have. I've realised that if I just identify what needs doing and allocate a set amount of time to that job, I can get it done and then do some guilt-free relaxing. I'll let you know how this goes!

One more thing... When I post this and then pop off to first eat my breakfast (raspberry oat muffins, yay!) and then second, write my To Do list for the day, one thing I won't need to write on there is "Ring Dad". As I said earlier, it's Father's Day today. Last year - my first Father's Day without my dad - Pete and I were separated and I was coming back from a hen weekend in Cambridge. I was spared the whole business of Father's Day. Today, I can't hide from it. I will be celebrating my partner and all he does for our children as well as us spending time with his dad who also does so much for all of us. Even though the pain is just as raw as it was back in October 2015 when my dad left us, I will think of him and smile as it's impossible not to. How lucky I am to have been born to such a wonderful, kind, flamboyant, funny man. Happy Father's Day, Dad! Thank you for the gift of humour and for the good genes that you gave me... They just about counterbalance the batshit crazy ones I got from my mother!

Now, to my To Do list and to actually Do the things on it!

[Just read back the above before I hit 'publish' and I had to add something... Pete is a daddy because Eva came into our lives in December 2008. Our beautiful first born! I know Pete was astounded by how much he loved her the very moment that he met her... Might not be so keen on her right now though. He's having a lie in, she's in her bedroom belting out made up power ballads in a delightful faux American accent!! Happy Father's Day, Pete!!!]