But seriously though, how is it almost July?!

Every once in a while, the urge to write comes over me. It happened about ten minutes ago and now, here I am. Sometimes the itch comes at a moment when I am in no position to scratch it but this time nothing was standing in my way. Doing things I want to do with my time rather than filling it with jobs I feel I should be doing is still a reasonably new thing to me but it's a skill I want to continue to hone. 

It's a sunny Wednesday evening towards the end of June 2021. To say a lot has changed since I last published an update in February would be a wild understatement. The pandemic that we're still living through means things can change drastically in a week and also stay frozen a certain way for months. I realise how utterly nonsensical that sounds but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this will understand exactly what I mean. 

Back in February I wrote about BoJo's 'roadmap to freedom'. Remarkably, we hit all the milestones he outlined back then with the exception of the final stage. Monday just gone was supposed to be the end to all social distancing measures and a return to almost normality. As it stands at the moment, that magical day has been pushed back to July 19 but I won't hold my breath. Best to assume that absolutely everything that spills forth from the mouth of The Lyin' King is bollocks until proven otherwise. 

For me personally, there's not much I want to do that I'm not able to under the current restrictions. I can go for dinner (went last Sunday with little sis and her fella - lovely stuff), go on a proper date that isn't a walk round a friggin country park (did that the Sunday before - even lovelier stuff) and I can go to the cinema. Needless to say, I've done the latter A LOT since May 17 when cinemas reopened their doors to the world. The only frustration about Freedom Day being postponed is the endless rescheduling of mine and Eva's various theatre trips. Our tickets to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cinderella will be changed again and I think it'll be the third, if not the fourth, time. We'll get to Belleville eventually! 

The biggest change in my own life since the start of this year is my employer. On May 28, after three years and three months of clocking in (pretty much always late!) to the Primark Distribution Centre in Islip, I clocked out for the final time. Even though it was my decision to go and I was excited about the job I had lined up to go to, it was still a wrench to say goodbye. The woman I was when I started there back in February 2018 bares almost no resemblance to the one who walked out last month. I try not to spend too much time looking back these days as I've wasted so much of my life living through the same things (both good and bad) too many times but it's astounding to me how different I am now to how I was then. 

During my time working there I moved out of the house I shared with Pete and the children, I went through Dialectal Behavioural Therapy and moved home officially four times but that's not counting the three month stint in 2018 when I was 'of no fixed abode'. I had two car crashes mere months apart - both times writing the car off in the process and went through a compensation claim. I've been on ten first dates, been ghosted a few times and twice found myself in a Foster Girlfriend situation. I've been so skint that family members and even old family friends who aren't related to me at all, had to bail me out. I've had my card declined when food shopping and even had parcels from the Food Bank. I've gained and lost weight and gained it again. I've cut short then grown my hair. I've been a runner but I'm not one right now. I could go on but I won't! Best to sum it up in three words: 

So. Much. Change. 

I'm almost three weeks in to my new job and I'm enjoying it immensely. It's another administrative role but this time in the office of a local school. I'm excited to learn and expand my skill set over the coming weeks and months. . Everyone has been so welcoming and I already feel like part of the team. 

So where do I find myself right now? I'm sitting at the table in my kitchen, listening to some easy pop station on my Echo Dot. The back door is open and there's washing on the line. The dishes are done. In a little while, I'll get changed and go to my final beginner's weight lifting class. Oh yes, I am a lady who lifts now! I signed up for a six week course in January... and started it in May when the restrictions allowed us to be in the gym. Tonight is 6/6 but I will absolutely be going back for more. I love the idea of being strong. If I am also toned with a magnificent bottom, well that's a bonus but strength at my core feels more important to me these days. 

My love life is still reliably farcical. Remember the Foster Girlfriend situations I mentioned earlier? I'm embarrassed to admit that I went back to the second offender recently after managing to cut him out of my life completely. It's good to know that even though I have grown and changed so much, I can still be relied upon to make twatty decisions when it comes to men! I was actually already sort of seeing someone when he somehow managed to slither back in to my life. I ended things with the guy I met on Facebook Dating after the snake encouraged me to "recognise my worth". He told me I was worth so much more than FB Dating guy was able and or, willing to give me so I brought it gently to a close. I then proceeded to disregard my worth and dignity entirely by pursuing a man who had previously treated me fairly shoddily. Guess what kids? He did it again! Shocker. But hey, lesson learned for reals this time. He's been deleted and blocked which is the modern equivalent of throwing a drink in his face in a crowded pub. The second option would be more fun but deleting and blocking will have to suffice. 

Off the back of that little soap opera storyline, I re-joined Tinder. I dated someone I met on there for three months last year and even though he ended it, we stayed friends. The app may have a bad reputation but I know plenty of people who found the real deal on there, my big sister and her husband to be included. I got a few matches, started a few chats and then very swiftly moved to Whatsapp (not a euphemism) with one chap. We've seen each other four times in eight days and I'm well on my way to being smitten. Alas, I don't believe it will go anywhere but I'm trying just to enjoy it for what it is. I hope I'm wrong of course and that I look back on this very post ten years from now when we're still together and affectionately mock pessimistic Kati of June 2021 but...

It's taken me until very recently to make my peace with being single. I no longer loathe my own company as I once did. Tonight is a classic example. I got in from work, put a wash on, went for a lie down (I'm working on becoming a semi-professional napper!), got back up, hung the washing out, prepped dinner, washed up... Admittedly that's some fairly boring adulting shiz but I did the tasks without the panicky sensation that used to fill me when I was alone. Back in the day, time to myself was a source of distress, I'd want to relax and do nothing but I was too edgy to unwind so I'd do chores while feeling resentful that I wasn't 'allowed' time off. Such a weirdly unhealthy cycle to be caught in. Now I get shit done and then I chill the fuck out. Sometimes, if I'm feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed, I'll ignore the jobs and just chill out. Eventually I'll feel better and the jobs will get done. I'm the only adult in this house. I don't have to answer to anyone! I want to leave the dishes to pile up? I can. Nap after work when the children are with their dad? Aye, go on then. 

Rolling in to the second half of 2021 and almost 18 months in to bizarre universe of masks and vaccines and twice weekly Lateral Flow Tests, I'm feeling positive about the future. I'm looking forward to a summer off work, dog-sitting for some of my favourites and getting back to running. Okay, I'm not actually looking forward to that last one but I'll do it because it's good for my noggin and it helps to offset my penchant for chocolate. It's all about balance, right? 

Blue Skies

It's been a funny old week. With everything going on in the world right now and over the last twelve months, that simple opening sentence could mean a plethora of things. In truth, I'm not even sure myself exactly how I mean it. The week has definitely been both a mixed bag AND an emotional rollercoaster... A mixed rollercoaster bag if you will but I wouldn't if I were you. 

Monday saw me re-open my kitchen classroom to my one, somewhat unenthusiastic pupil. I braced myself for a difficult day with Hal after the half term break, thinking it would take him a day or so to get back in to the swing of things. It went better than I expected and then came the news that our home schooling adventure/ nightmare was coming to an end! Yes, Boris Johnson, who one Twitter user described as a "barely sentient haystack", took to our screens and set out his "roadmap" to our freedom. Stage 1 sees all children in England returning to school from Monday 8 March. More on BJ's magical plan later...

On Tuesday, buoyed by the news that my time as a teacher was coming to an end and by Hal's lack of whingeing on Monday, I entered the classroom (kitchen) with a spring in my step. My darling second born promptly took the jam right out of my doughnut by being an absolute toad. Thanks, son! On both Tuesday and Wednesday we had tears, shouting and tantrums... and no, it wasn't just from him. I lost my temper, so frustrated was I by the fact that I KNOW he can do the work he just wouldn't bloody do it! 

You'd think that knowing we only have a week or so left of this crazy set up would make it easier on Hal and I but it turns out, it's had the opposite effect! We're both just so fed up of the situation and so desperate for it to be over. I cannot wait to go back to being "just" Hal's mam and not his teacher. In fairness, Hal's actual teacher (big up, Miss Douglas) has been a rock star! It makes such a difference having his teacher 'live' on Teams every day and she's done an amazing job of engaging with the children through a screen. Even just supporting Hal has taken it out of me but Miss Douglas has never let her energy drop. I now have even more respect for teachers having had one in my kitchen virtually since early January. 

I'm happy to report that yesterday Hal was slightly less of a pain in the arse and today, clearly chockful of Friday feeling, he was a delight. Today he did three star challenges in both his English and his Maths when the highest I've ever got out of him previously was the two star! We're done for the day now which means I've got five more days to go and then I can (hopefully) close down the kitchen classroom for good. 

So what else did The Eton Mess have for us on Monday? Well, by the end of March, we can hang out with another household in their garden. Friends will be able to sit on a bench outdoors and have a coffee together without having to pretend that they're exercising. In all honesty, a lot of the early restriction easing feels in a bit pointless as it's officially permitting stuff that so many people are already doing! I've gone for walks with friends (only one at a time, mind you) where we've both carried hot drinks with us as we walked and we maybe sat on a bench (with a gap between us) to enjoy the scenery. The problem is that even though we are in another proper government ordered lockdown, nothing has ever felt as restrictive or as official as the one that ran from March through to summer last year. 

In Stage 2 of Boris' plan, commencing no earlier than April 12, non-essential retail will start to re-open. This means once again that there will be huge queues to get in to Primark and social media posts and tabloid newspaper articles shaming people for queuing to get in to Primark. This could also signal an end to my furlough if I haven't already been summoned back by then. This stage also sees hair salons reopening and people being able to wave goodbye once more to their 'lockdown hair do.' For me, I'm more excited about being able to get my eyebrows threaded again as there is a part of me that genuinely worries my brows could stage a coup and take over my entire face. 

Around mid-May providing we've all been behaving ourselves then cinemas and indoor hospitality can return. Eva and I have tickets for two separate events in London in May, a week apart. Both have been rescheduled previously and alas, I think will be moved again. Even though, in theory, theatres and venues could be operational by May 17, one of our events in May 15 and the other is May 22. If all my planned events from last year roll over in to next, I'm going to be flat out in 2022! 

The big focus is on June 21 when Boris tells us, all social distancing measures could be scrapped and nightclubs can re-open. Social media is awash with folks planning to go absolutely nuts when this happens, raving until dawn even if they haven't put so much as a toe through the door of a club in more than a decade. Being cooped up for so long has done strange things to us all, I guess. 

While I am of course giddy at the prospect of going out for dinner with friends or sitting in a darkened cinema once again, I hope that I don't lose my appreciation for the little things that have sustained me and kept me sane over the past few months. With nothing much to get excited about recently, I found that the arrival and subsequent wearing of some new slippers I'd ordered brought me a disproportionate amount of joy. I really focused on how they felt on my feet and on how much more content I felt generally now that my little trotters were warm and cosy. Yesterday in Tesco, I purchased a new mug - a lovely, big, rounded green mug with a K on it. Today I've sat on my wonderfully comfy bed, felt the warmth from the sun streaming in through my bedroom window and enjoyed the pleasant sensation of the mug in my hands. Lockdown has helped me be more mindful and really tune in to the tiniest details of my day and really delight in them. I hope that's something I manage to retain when the world opens up and our lives become busier and noisier once more. 

The Covid vaccine roll out program seems to be the only thing BoJo and co have got right in this whole pandemic nightmare. The plan is for every adult to have had at least their first dose by July. If the numbers keep falling and if the vaccine keeps rolling and if the general public keep behaving, we might see something that resembles normal life by summertime. A whole lot of 'ifs' and 'buts' and variables to factor in but Spring is around the corner and with her, she brings hope. 

Strange Days

By some miracle, I have found myself able and willing to write something so here I am.

It is almost 7pm on Tuesday 19th January. Ordinarily there would be spellings to practice, homework to complete and baths to be had before bedtime. Presently, my children are lying on their bedroom floor enjoying a game of Roblox with two of Eva's friends also playing with them online. While I will still make sure they get a decent night's sleep, there isn't the same urgency there would usually be. Tomorrow morning they will not go to school and I will not go to work. 

England is currently in the midst of its third national lockdown since March of last year. While nothing since has felt quite as rigid as the original, we are still very much being encouraged to "stay home, control the virus and protect the NHS." Schools were open for one day this year and then BoJo the Clown decided to close them again. School days for my children presently take place in the bedroom (Eva) and at the kitchen table (Hal). Both have live lessons from their teachers over Microsoft Teams. It is odd and alien and stressful but it is also just how things are. Thankfully (?) I am furloughed once again so I am able to oversee and support the home schooling. Eva, God love her, just gets on with it. Her BFF Tallulah is on a WhatsApp video chat that lasts the entire length of their school day and between them, they get their work done. Hal is a different kettle of fish, requiring constant supervision. My second born falls squarely in to the "bright but lazy" category. He understands the work he just doesn't want to actually do it! Ask him to pick up a pencil and write something and you'd think I was asking him to spend a day down the mines. It is challenging and I am not the most patient teacher. 

As with the first lockdown, I find myself enjoying the slower pace. As I said earlier, the pace is not quite as slow as it was first time around with more shops being allowed to remain open for 'click and collect' orders but there is no need for me personally to be rushing around. As the government guidelines state "essential journeys only" I have not ventured far at all this year. No dashing off to Mawsley for a shift behind the bar, no early morning drive to Northampton on a Saturday for Hal's trampolining lessons and no legging it to the clocking in machine inside Primark Islip so I don't get another (alas, deserved) bollocking for my time-keeping. I am operating at a slower speed once again and I'm finding more and more that I'm happier taking my time. 

Watching TV just before I made the decision to put fingers to keyboard and write this, I caught a bit of the news. An older lady had written a poem from her intensive care bed and she attempted to read it aloud for the news crew who were filming on the ward. It wasn't the oxygen mask that hindered her, but her emotions. As she described the "angels with tired eyes" who had worked so hard to save her life, she was overcome. Sat on my sofa, I found myself crying too. It's the first time I can actually remember being brought to tears by the whole situation. I have felt angry, frustrated, sad, trapped, overwhelmed but I can't think of another time when I just put my head in my hands and wept. 

I suppose most of us try not to let the news, the stats and the data drag us too far down. We live in a time of 24 hour news cycles, constant updates and briefings. Even if you take a break from the actual news and scroll through social media, you're still getting a version of events there. Admittedly a lot of what you'll see shared will be opinions and NOT facts but again, it's hard not to let it all bring you down. I keep up to date with the news throughout the day but endeavour not to get sucked too far in for fear that I'll never be able to claw my way back out. 

Just now, that news item punched me right in the feels because I saw a woman in a hospital gown, wearing an oxygen mask telling her story. All those stats and figures, the death tolls we hear... They're people. Real, actual people. This particular lady looked to be on the mend but what about all the other nanas, aunties, uncles, fathers, sons and friends who didn't survive? Jesus. It's just so utterly and incomprehensibly shit. 

For now, I've managed to pull myself together. It would not do to give in to that sadness. I'm no use to my children or to myself if I'm balled up on my bed weeping for every life this bastard virus has taken. My heart goes out to every family grieving and I can't even articulate my respect for the NHS staff - from the surgeons and consultants, right through to the porters and cleaners - who have worked insane hours for almost 12 months. All I can do is play my part by following the rules that are in place to protect us and cling to the hope that one day this will all be over. 

In early March of last year I wrote a blog post as I sat in a trampoline park at Rushden Lakes where I'd taken Hal and his friend, Theo to burn off some energy. I wrote with some incredulity about Italy being in lockdown and the Premier League being suspended. I had no idea about what was about to unfold, no clue that our lives were about to change so drastically and for so long. I also mentioned the continued outrageous behaviour of 'Toddler-in-Chief' Donald Trump. As I write this, Trump's final day in office is coming to an end. Tomorrow Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States with Kamala Harris as his VP. The pair have a mountain to climb and it won't magically make everything better in the US when they take over but by God, it will be a relief to know that a deranged egomaniac no longer has access to nuclear codes. 

I feel better for having cleared my head, transferring the contents on to here. Whether it's of any interest to anyone else or not remains to be seen. I blog because I enjoy it and it helps me. I review films from my car because talking about films brings me joy. I will continue to do both throughout 2021. I'll even try to make the blog updates more regular if only because I find it fascinating to look back and see how far I've come and how much I've changed. 

To anyone reading this, I hope you are well and safe. I hope you are wearing a mask when you're out and about and that you're washing your hands regularly. I hope you're being kind and respectful of others... unless they're anti-maskers or anti-vaxxers or both! In that case, kick them in the shins and run away. I mean, don't do that obviously. You can't kick anyone in the shins while maintaining a distance of two meters anyway and that's definitely more important. Stay safe, stay home. Be excellent to each other. One day, in the not too distant future the world will start to turn again. We'll go to gigs and to the theatre. We'll go for dinner with friends and family. We'll drink in beer gardens, watching the Euros and hug everyone when England get through at least the first few rounds. 

"It'll all be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not the end."