[Started this last night in the caravan and finished it tonight back in Whitey Bay... just FYI.]
And all of a sudden, it’s August! I mean really it’s not
that sudden… Having lived through January to July 2018, the arrival of August
is inevitable but I still find myself feeling a little shocked that we are at
the start of the eighth month of the year. My, my how time flies…
I’m in quite the reflective mood on this day, Wednesday 1
August. Since Monday teatime I’ve officially been “on holiday” at Wild Rose
caravan park in Appleby in Cumbria. Being able to poke my head out of the van
and see ridiculous, majestic hills all around me is really quite something and
it’s brought me a sense of peace. Not that there’s been much peace and quiet on
the holiday thus far but then when you’ve got two mams and four bairns, what
can you expect but noise, fun, chaos and the occasional meltdown?
Eva, Hal and I were invited by my step sister in law (she’s
married to but separated from my step brother) to join her and my two nephews,
Charlie and William at her parent’s caravan. Our children don’t see a huge
amount of each other owing to the fact that I don’t come up to the North East
anywhere near as much as I should… Not only should but that I want to! The
wonderful thing about children though is that time apart doesn’t really matter.
Within half an hour of us arriving at Claire’s house in Whitley Bay on Sunday,
everyone was best buddies. For the most part this has continued through the
holiday with the odd, inevitable falling out.
This is my first holiday of the year and Lord knows, I
bloody needed it. I love my job at Primark and my bar job at the Community
Centre but I haven’t had any time off since February. Of course, I had visions
of me meditating quietly at some picturesque spot on the campsite and really
connecting with nature and that absolutely has not happened! But there’s been
beer, ice cream, board games, gin, giggling fits and mini adventures. Every
night I say I need to get to bed early and every night Claire and I sit up
until midnight, putting the world to rights. I needed that for my soul as much as I need to
get my mindfulness on!
Heading up to the North East last Sunday coincided with me
moving out of the house I’ve been calling home since the end of March. It was
wonderful while it lasted but it was only ever a temporary measure.
Technically, I am now… well, homeless. I realise this sounds dramatic but I am
of ‘no fixed abode’. Upon my return from my hols I will be staying with friends
for a week as their guest and then my house sitting career begins. Living out of
a suitcase might become tedious after a while but I’m oddly excited about my
nomadic August. I’m treating it as an adventure! Here's hoping that I manage to get on the Keyways register by the autumn or I really will be screwed. Friends are kind but I can't 'sofa surf' forever... Not with two children.
I finally got a start date for my therapy. My referral was
completed in April and I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever get a space.
Medication helps, there’s no denying that, but I need practical tools to cope
with my condition. Now that my start date is only weeks away, suddenly I’m
terrified. It’s going to be hard going, I know that. It was made clear to me
when I was referred that I would have homework to do each week. It is not a sit
round in a circle discussing your feelings type of group, I’m told, more of a
classroom setting with practical advice and strategies to cope with a
Personality Disorder.
I so badly want to get better but sometimes when I think of
the work that will need to go in to it, I just feel exhausted. I do not want to
stay broken, repeating the same mistakes and destructive behavioural patterns
that have plagued me for so much of my life but it’s hard to muster the energy
to work hard on yourself when you’re not entirely sure you deserve to be fixed.
My children deserve a happier, healthier (less shouty and crazy outbursty)
mumma for sure but I know I have to do this for me. Eva and Hal will reap the
benefits if I find a way to focus on me.
On a more basic level, there’s so much I can be doing to
help myself. I found out from reading Fearne Cotton’s Happy book that the
lovely Tom Fletcher has Bipolar Disorder. I had no clue this was the case! He
calls it his ‘wonky brain’. When asked what he does to manage his disorder he
said he really tries hard to eat well and trains as often as possible. I’ve
seen pictures on Instagram of him doing push ups with Buzz and Buddy on his
back so I’d say he’s reasonably fit! I’m unlikely to ever be able to do decent
push ups full stop let alone with my children on board but I can run… slowly.
Back in January I was walking at least a mile a day with podcasts for company –
why can’t I do that again? Well I can! And I shall… Wanna know what else I can
do? Stop eating like an unsupervised toddler at a birthday party (not my joke
but I do love it). My food choices of late have been mindbogglingly dreadful and
my weight has increased as a result. I’m embracing the “I’m on holiday!” excuse
with every fibre of my being right now but once I’m back in Ket’rin, it stops. I want a
stone off and I think I might actually be ready to do it. I fucking hope so! Watch
this space blog fans.
Five months left of 2018, let’s see what they’ve got in
store for me, eh? The DBT group will take me right through in to early 2019. I have a new role to train for at Primark. I want to find a place to call home and make it somewhere I can be me in all my ridiculous, noisy, slightly crazy glory. This year has been bastard hard so far but oddly, despite everything I've been through and the low lows I've had to endure I refuse to see this year as a bad one. Let's be having you August!
