Every once in a while, the urge to write comes over me. It happened about ten minutes ago and now, here I am. Sometimes the itch comes at a moment when I am in no position to scratch it but this time nothing was standing in my way. Doing things I want to do with my time rather than filling it with jobs I feel I should be doing is still a reasonably new thing to me but it's a skill I want to continue to hone.
It's a sunny Wednesday evening towards the end of June 2021. To say a lot has changed since I last published an update in February would be a wild understatement. The pandemic that we're still living through means things can change drastically in a week and also stay frozen a certain way for months. I realise how utterly nonsensical that sounds but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this will understand exactly what I mean.
Back in February I wrote about BoJo's 'roadmap to freedom'. Remarkably, we hit all the milestones he outlined back then with the exception of the final stage. Monday just gone was supposed to be the end to all social distancing measures and a return to almost normality. As it stands at the moment, that magical day has been pushed back to July 19 but I won't hold my breath. Best to assume that absolutely everything that spills forth from the mouth of The Lyin' King is bollocks until proven otherwise.
For me personally, there's not much I want to do that I'm not able to under the current restrictions. I can go for dinner (went last Sunday with little sis and her fella - lovely stuff), go on a proper date that isn't a walk round a friggin country park (did that the Sunday before - even lovelier stuff) and I can go to the cinema. Needless to say, I've done the latter A LOT since May 17 when cinemas reopened their doors to the world. The only frustration about Freedom Day being postponed is the endless rescheduling of mine and Eva's various theatre trips. Our tickets to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cinderella will be changed again and I think it'll be the third, if not the fourth, time. We'll get to Belleville eventually!
The biggest change in my own life since the start of this year is my employer. On May 28, after three years and three months of clocking in (pretty much always late!) to the Primark Distribution Centre in Islip, I clocked out for the final time. Even though it was my decision to go and I was excited about the job I had lined up to go to, it was still a wrench to say goodbye. The woman I was when I started there back in February 2018 bares almost no resemblance to the one who walked out last month. I try not to spend too much time looking back these days as I've wasted so much of my life living through the same things (both good and bad) too many times but it's astounding to me how different I am now to how I was then.
During my time working there I moved out of the house I shared with Pete and the children, I went through Dialectal Behavioural Therapy and moved home officially four times but that's not counting the three month stint in 2018 when I was 'of no fixed abode'. I had two car crashes mere months apart - both times writing the car off in the process and went through a compensation claim. I've been on ten first dates, been ghosted a few times and twice found myself in a Foster Girlfriend situation. I've been so skint that family members and even old family friends who aren't related to me at all, had to bail me out. I've had my card declined when food shopping and even had parcels from the Food Bank. I've gained and lost weight and gained it again. I've cut short then grown my hair. I've been a runner but I'm not one right now. I could go on but I won't! Best to sum it up in three words:
So. Much. Change.
I'm almost three weeks in to my new job and I'm enjoying it immensely. It's another administrative role but this time in the office of a local school. I'm excited to learn and expand my skill set over the coming weeks and months. . Everyone has been so welcoming and I already feel like part of the team.
So where do I find myself right now? I'm sitting at the table in my kitchen, listening to some easy pop station on my Echo Dot. The back door is open and there's washing on the line. The dishes are done. In a little while, I'll get changed and go to my final beginner's weight lifting class. Oh yes, I am a lady who lifts now! I signed up for a six week course in January... and started it in May when the restrictions allowed us to be in the gym. Tonight is 6/6 but I will absolutely be going back for more. I love the idea of being strong. If I am also toned with a magnificent bottom, well that's a bonus but strength at my core feels more important to me these days.
My love life is still reliably farcical. Remember the Foster Girlfriend situations I mentioned earlier? I'm embarrassed to admit that I went back to the second offender recently after managing to cut him out of my life completely. It's good to know that even though I have grown and changed so much, I can still be relied upon to make twatty decisions when it comes to men! I was actually already sort of seeing someone when he somehow managed to slither back in to my life. I ended things with the guy I met on Facebook Dating after the snake encouraged me to "recognise my worth". He told me I was worth so much more than FB Dating guy was able and or, willing to give me so I brought it gently to a close. I then proceeded to disregard my worth and dignity entirely by pursuing a man who had previously treated me fairly shoddily. Guess what kids? He did it again! Shocker. But hey, lesson learned for reals this time. He's been deleted and blocked which is the modern equivalent of throwing a drink in his face in a crowded pub. The second option would be more fun but deleting and blocking will have to suffice.
Off the back of that little soap opera storyline, I re-joined Tinder. I dated someone I met on there for three months last year and even though he ended it, we stayed friends. The app may have a bad reputation but I know plenty of people who found the real deal on there, my big sister and her husband to be included. I got a few matches, started a few chats and then very swiftly moved to Whatsapp (not a euphemism) with one chap. We've seen each other four times in eight days and I'm well on my way to being smitten. Alas, I don't believe it will go anywhere but I'm trying just to enjoy it for what it is. I hope I'm wrong of course and that I look back on this very post ten years from now when we're still together and affectionately mock pessimistic Kati of June 2021 but...
It's taken me until very recently to make my peace with being single. I no longer loathe my own company as I once did. Tonight is a classic example. I got in from work, put a wash on, went for a lie down (I'm working on becoming a semi-professional napper!), got back up, hung the washing out, prepped dinner, washed up... Admittedly that's some fairly boring adulting shiz but I did the tasks without the panicky sensation that used to fill me when I was alone. Back in the day, time to myself was a source of distress, I'd want to relax and do nothing but I was too edgy to unwind so I'd do chores while feeling resentful that I wasn't 'allowed' time off. Such a weirdly unhealthy cycle to be caught in. Now I get shit done and then I chill the fuck out. Sometimes, if I'm feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed, I'll ignore the jobs and just chill out. Eventually I'll feel better and the jobs will get done. I'm the only adult in this house. I don't have to answer to anyone! I want to leave the dishes to pile up? I can. Nap after work when the children are with their dad? Aye, go on then.
Rolling in to the second half of 2021 and almost 18 months in to bizarre universe of masks and vaccines and twice weekly Lateral Flow Tests, I'm feeling positive about the future. I'm looking forward to a summer off work, dog-sitting for some of my favourites and getting back to running. Okay, I'm not actually looking forward to that last one but I'll do it because it's good for my noggin and it helps to offset my penchant for chocolate. It's all about balance, right?
