Monday, 8 October 2018

An open letter to myself

Dearest Kati,

We need to talk. There are some things I need to tell you and I really hope you'll listen...

I know you've had a rough year, possibly your roughest yet and that's saying something!

Getting a diagnosis back in January after decades of being baffled by your own actions was huge. In many ways it was a relief but in other ways, it became another burden. You won't like me saying this but you are a little guilty of hiding behind it or using it as an excuse.

Okay, so you have a Personality Disorder... Don't let it define you. And while we're on the subject, not everyone needs to know. You think you're being funny when you tell people within five minutes of meeting them, that you're "legitimately bat shit crazy" but it's unnecessary. It hurts you and it makes them feel uncomfortable. STOP. I'm not having a go, really I'm not but just let people meet you and get to know you. The whole 'make the joke before they do' thing... It's not really working for you, is it?

What else...? Oh yeah. Men! You deserve a good one but you are never going to find one looking in all the wrong places. You go for men that you can't have or that will make you miserable because that's what you think you deserve. Kati, you're wrong. Someone, somewhere will love you for all that you are and they won't care about all that you're not... but first, sweet girl, you need to learn to love yourself. I know, I know! That expression has you locked in the cringe position but it's not wrong. Make peace with your past relationship decisions then let them go. Learn to enjoy your own company. Work on you. You are worth your own time.

In pursuit of love, you've survived three ridiculous crushes this year. Your poor heart has taken a bit of a kicking but that's because you keep trying to give it to men who don't want it or deserve it. Find a man Dad would've like... One Clare approves of.

Strive to put aside your frustrations on how your life has turned out. They hold you back! So you've got a degree? Good for you. Much like your mental health condition, you don't need to tell everyone you meet. You feel like people are judging you for what you do or for where you're living (or not, as the case may be) but they're almost certainly not. They have their own shit to deal with... And if they are judging you, fuck 'em. Plenty of folks think you're smashing.

Could your life and career be going better? Well, of course. Does it matter that you and your degree work in a warehouse? No, it really doesn't. Expectation versus Reality. Isn't life what happen when you're making other plans? You have not one but two jobs you enjoy. Embrace it and stop worrying about the aesthetics.

Now the next bit is really important so I need you to pay attention... Your wonderful, kind, beautiful friend Jenny sent you a postcard the other day and on the front it said "You're the best mum your kids have ever had" and that is so true. Eva and Hal don't care what you do for a living as long as they get to see you. They don't care care about what you drive or about your living situation. They don't care that you take them on holiday to Cumbria instead of Spain. They don't look at you and see a warehouse colleague or a BPD diagnosis... they see their Mamoo. And they think you're wonderful! Yes, you're short-tempered, impatient, skint and perpetually tired but you are their Mummy Person and they love you endlessly. Love them, be there for them, try really very hard not to be a shouty, angry Mamoo... but when you do inevitably lose your shit, apologise. Cuddle them tight and promise to try harder.

One more thing... Back in your days as a Slimming World consultant, you're biggest 'thing', the catchphrase you used most of all was Be Kind to Yourself. You even had a hashtag... #BKTY. When members would tear themselves apart, you'd stop them dead and say "If you wouldn't say it to your mate, don't say it to yourself!" It's time, Katherine Emily to show yourself that kindness that you always urged your members to show themselves and each other. It's time to heed your own advice.

No more moping over unsuitable men. No more telling everyone you meet that you're crackers. No more telling people that you're "technically homeless" and "slightly fat". And if 'no more' is too ambitious, maybe just aim for 'less of' that and 'more of' kindness, positivity and giving yourself a fucking break, man. You're not a bad sort really.

With love,

You x


  1. I do hope you listen to yourself Kati. You are a lovely, funny and kind human and you need to show that kindness to yourself most of all. We are all guilty of being "nice" to others and not ourselves but not many of us have the guts to say so. Well put my friend and inspirational to anyone fighting their own battles. XX

  2. You are a wonderful human being never forget it!!! Only you yourself can define who you are, not your successes or your failures not your degree and not your mental health. What makes us human is not the things that trip us up or pull us down, its how we deal with those things that matter, its our ability to stand tall and say yes im not perfect but i am me, and you do that every time i see you. i know that you are struggling with a lot of bad things at the moment, BUT you get up and go to work not just in 1 job but in 2,you dont have a home YET but you will get there, it might not be easy but the things in life worth having are the very things that are the hardest to attain. I have only known you for a relatively short time but you are one of the strongest most honest people that i have ever had the privilege to meet. i am not very eloquent i know but every thing that i have said is the truth, the world needs more Katies!!!!!! Try to Stay strong and if you ever need to talk you can always give me a shout i might not be able to help but im a damn good listener. take care Dave.